September 16th, Year of the Vampires

When I was nine, my brother told me about the Illuminati. He had to clarify that he was not talking about a halogen night-light, but an elite secret society. Over time, those dedicated to uncovering what goes on behind closed doors, have had some success. Thanks to their efforts, we know they take orders directly from extraterrestrials, and that they are aiming to wipe out most of humanity. Masonic lodges are treated like recruitment centers. There, men learn how to control their own minds, and eventually, everyone else’s. Within months, they will be able to levitate, communicate with the dead, and telepathically transfer information with each other. Upon successful completion of the program, members get a certificate, followed by sex with Satan and his pet goat.

I believed all of it.

My initial reaction to this information was absolute terror. I prayed to God for humanity’s salvation, followed by asking for a sign, if He planned to do anything about our impending doom. Had my prayers won his favor? Hearing and seeing nothing that would indicate he gave a shit, I turned to the faeries. I would leave them bread and water, promising my first-born, if they could prevent our damnation. I often promised my first-born to anyone I thought would take it.

After noticing that the bread was always gone by morning, and before I discovered it was the cat that ate it, I lived a period of peace, feeling good had prevailed over evil. Soon, I was thrown back into hysteria, when brother said that the Mayan spirits would continue the battle to destroy us, should the Illuminati fail. In fact, they often worked together on creating things to harm people, like chemtrails and extermination camps.

This was when I decided to take charge. Life had thrown a purpose at me. I was to learn ten languages, Judo, and whatever else was necessary to become the army of one, who would take the dark empire down. Everyone is impressed by a polyglot, and they do not contradict a black belt.

The exact plan was as follows: Grow up to be beautiful. Marry the head of the Illuminati, killing him after our honeymoon. Take over. Kill everyone involved. Become ruler of the world.

Unfortunately, I was too lazy to learn a new language, and I am an awkward beauty, at best. I have also realized that the only way to dispel or defeat fear, is to examine it. Research all that seems threatening. Develop a skeptical mind. If none of that works, join the Illuminati. Those bastards have it good.

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September 16th, Year of the Vampires

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