I believed that I was eager enough to embrace what I wanted, if it was presented for me to take. This, I know now to be untrue. I do not trust the gift, neither do I trust one who easily gives.
While I take comfort in words, finding that I need them to blanket me often, I wish to be free of them. They are just things I use to hide, and I do that enough. They are hard walls meant to keep people out, when only days before I used them to draw someone in.
I wrote the following words to Robert, because I no longer find that he fits inside the cage I keep myself in:
You know that I loved you, and that was slowly debased by your insecurities. What we had, had too many conditions. It limited us as a unit, and as singular fools. We cared while we could. I was wrong and wronged, you were wrong and wronged, we were both wrong and wronged. All of those twists suffocated our tiny, fabricated world where nothing could ever be real, and led directly to our perdition. I made promises to you that could not stand the test of time, but I meant them while I had the power to move in any direction. I believed my loyalty was made of iron, and that it would honor you forever. You must know that I live with a heavy heart, because it has been impossible to uphold the words I spoke as gifts. I left because I would not be destroyed. It was a responsibility I owed to myself. It took a long time to realize that you would always loathe me more than you allowed yourself to love me. What I want from you, and you are all too aware of this, is a proper goodbye. What I want, is someone who isn’t you beside me.