The quasi-relationship I have with Joseph, is no longer enough. It never has been. But when I stop to consider what I want out of this, or out of him, it isn’t much more than what we already share. Although I would like to come out of hiding. His current relationship prevents me from being more than his secret, his shame, and his burden.
I brought up the idea of a permanent parting when we last spoke, expecting nothing to come of it, because that has never been what he wants. While he views me as a woman who is too complicated for him to understand, The Corpse feels there is a bond between us that should not be tampered with. There are no ideas or feelings that, when not his own, don’t feel like complications or confrontations to him.
To the suggestion that we never see each other again, I added that I refused to come in second, when I never wanted to enter a competition for his affection to begin with. This seemed to upset him, and as is often the case, he walked away from me. Not one word spoken, just the familiar sad eyes, and low groans.
Sometimes I think I despise him, while other times I know that I do.