A pagan shield and a Mother Goddess. A rusted dagger, and orbital magic. What was I really looking for with those women? A sailor has no business on a plane. What does not belong, does not look any better behind November’s panorama.
My feigned and temporary interest in witchcraft is dressed in lace, and this is enough. A doll is made of fabric, and good stitching. I fashion myself, and who I was originally will be forgotten in time. After all, we all start off as soft parts made sturdy with age. I am no different. Yesterday, I was this. Tomorrow, I will be that. The day after, I will be both. Beneath all that, there is a core. It is the only authentic, and unchanging thing about us all. That, that is exposed only on rare occasion.
I have been in a state of shock since that night, years ago. I have tried to bilocate and slap the solid version of myself alert, since then. There, safe in my bed, staring at walls covered in pictures of demons and vampires, I felt safe. Comforted by what most would be frightened of. So close to the sleep I have both hated and loved, sometimes simultaneously.
I could not have stopped what happened, were I capable of having prophesied it. I was never been able to stop it before. But it had never been so brazen, so obvious, so indisputable. My father, coming into my room to comfort me for reasons he had invented, to gain access. It is so dark out, he said. You are afraid of night’s so black, he continued. I will crawl into bed with you, so that you feel protected.
My refusal fell on deaf ears.
Father’s hands on my body. Father’s soft moans. Father’s clear invitation for sex. His body so close to mine, caressing me into silence. A mind shutting down, in the attempt to rationalize an unnatural desire for a daughter.
Persephone kicked into the Underworld.
He should have known me better than that. He should have seen I watched him out of the corner of my eye. Father taught me how to run from everything, and run I did. I ran out of that room, touched but not spoiled. I ran and exposed him for the monster that he has always been.
If I had been weak at the sight of him all my life, that night changed everything. I would not drag my feet any longer. I would not allow anyone to make a whore out of me.