God is an intrusive thought. A destroyer of dreams. I have no loyalty to this. All fear has subsided. He is a magician. It is all a dull illusion.
Al-Anon is a program that is God-centric. Every member will deny it, but feebly. They have all found salvation. I am still the sinner. They tell me to work the 12 steps, and I will rise to forgive, to love, to laugh, and all of those things you see people do in soda advertisements. But I never liked sugary liquids.
I can see the disappointment in my sponsor’s eyes. I do not see the source of her light. Or I think it is artificial. Or I am blinded by it.
She tells me that anything can be my Higher Power, so I look to a pencil, and wonder if it has the answers I seek. When it remains silent, I look to coffee grounds. Neither hold wisdom, and I think that nothing does.
Just because some things are beautiful, does not make them true.
If it can change shape, if it is temporary, it is not true. If it is not true, it cannot hold wisdom.
How can something designed to bring me closer to God, take me so far from It?
I am told that if I do not find and surrender to this Higher Power, I will remain a damaged thing.