I have made of myself a whore, fucking a man who is a virtual stranger to me. I met Todd a few months ago, when he entered the bar, and ordered a drink in an accent heavy and obnoxious. The kind that comes from having a superiority complex. The same one I possess.
He quickly befriended Marissa. Whether or not they have been lovers, is knowledge unknown to me. What I do know is that I am disgusted in having participated in something so common, and unsatisfying. I do not have a reason, excuse, or explanation. It is something that happened, like wheels turning, or weeds growing in a garden. An act that, though I am repulsed at now, felt as though it could not have been prevented. I had kept my eye on him all night, with no desire, but a need to dominate and conquer. A man with such false bravado and conceit, would go down at my bidding. But somehow, I am the one that ended up in the filth.
Marissa and I are are fully moved in to our apartment. And on the day our tenancy became official, Matt – only hours after asking for monogamy – was with another woman. I witnessed this with my very eyes, when I went to pay him a visit. After knocking and receiving no answer, I remembered how he often complained when I wouldn’t just open the door, as an always welcome guest. Past the wooden door, there he sat with a blonde-haired woman, arms tight around her waist. It was a relief. Gone was the weight of a relationship I never wanted. And when I left his apartment, I made my way straight into his friend Mike’s bed, giving him just as much as I give most. Nothing. I give nothing. No emotional warmth, and no real physical satisfaction.