June 27th, Year Three

With nothing left to do when emotions become large enough to have satellites, I have thought about what happened a couple of nights ago. The mares are all gone. Magic went back underground, perhaps never to make an appearance again. Here, objectivity is required. Who am I, and where am I to blame.

You are a fraud and a disappointment, I said to Rick,  expecting him to contradict me, to prove me wrong. No matter intentions, no matter if malice was the motivation, or the opposite. Words were said, formed by me. Here the victim, who is the victim. Is it Lucifer bringing a lesson, or is he directing?

I love him. Oh, do I? Yes, of course I do. I opened up to this, then I ran from it, fell when my legs grew tired, finally having no other choice but to surrender.

I love him. There is not a part of me that likes to admit such a weakness in character. This didn’t bring joy, even when there was a promise of a relationship. What can be accomplished by one, has the possibility of being slowed, or ruined, when a second is involved. All I wanted was not to get hurt, so I built a wall. Men were linked arm to arm. I stood well-hidden behind my sky-high fortress.

Rick, I could see his face right through the men that meant nothing. I whispered right past them, claiming it was just a little song, hoping Rick would listen. He would not, cared not. Don’t think me odd, I said. So he did. Do not turn away, I said. So he found his eyes admiring all that was not me.

Exactly where did it turn in on itself? It was when I kissed his friend, with Rick standing only a few feet away. It was when I dyed my hair black, thinking he would like it best, becoming a magazine cut-out, and denying there was someone beneath that, because I felt he would hate my true colors. It was when I tried to blend in with a background, provided by what I believed would turn him on to me. It was when I couldn’t stand the pain of his eyes off me, so I drank until my speech was slurred. But it got him to look at me, and his eyes said I was a disaster. It was when I met him.

 
He has no heart, Claudia said. Yet, I heard it beat.  What does Claudia know, except me and truths.

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June 27th, Year Three

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