I got tested for HIV today. After getting tattooed, I only thought it appropriate. Leaving the hospital, I forgot who I was and where I stood. Nameless and on a cloud. The world spun the way it does, but I could feel it turn on its axis. Everything got dark and stole my breath. Perhaps, the light took it when it made way for darkness.
It was necessary for me to pull over, to keep myself safe. I honked to notify drivers on the road to pass me, should they have attempted to stop and offer aid. Or, I did it to scream at the world to help. I don’t know anymore. I don’t know anything in that state. And as if losing my mind wasn’t enough, Jeannine is upset with me. The only person I allow to get close, and I am on the verge of losing her. In truth, she is at fault, or I am, or we both are, but will never admit that we equally contribute to the demise of our friendship. She has a way about her that is sharp and offensive, and I only say something long after the fact, once it’s no longer relevant. All my complaints are redirected to that part of the brain that throws it straight out into the stratosphere.
Finally, to end my night, I received a phone call from Oscar. He asked that we become exclusive. We have not seen each other in over a year, so it’s the most sensible thing to do, of course. A devotion to the invisible makes perfect sense. I feel nothing for him, but he does not believe this. He feels our connection, and I say he has dialed a wrong number. Deep down, I wish he was right. There was so much I thought I would have by now, but plans fall under the pressure of insecurities and doubt. It’s a silly thing to admit, but I believed I would be married by now. White gown will soon yellow. Married young and until the end of my time. It isn’t that I want to be a wife, it is that I want to be first at everything.