December 19th, Following the Unimportant Year

My cousin Patricia wants to open up her own second-hand clothing business, and has approached me with the idea of becoming business partners. I don’t have the money, nor do I have the desire, but I desperately need to find a reason to live. While I do not want to end my life, I see no true substance and meaning to it. It is almost as if my life was made out of leftover material, with no reason for it, other than to make use of something that isn’t quite trash, but never truly meant to be useful.

Perhaps, this business could work out. I would begin by saving money with the bartending job I recently started. Pay no mind to the fact that I am underage.

Roxanne, a co-worker, has introduced me to a friend of hers named Matt, who was interested in meeting me. I drove to his apartment after work, where there was a small gathering of his friends. We drank over a conversation about music, and it all felt very adult, which naturally made me feel out of place. Like I was thrown into the wrong scene. I was a prop for a children’s show, that had been accidentally placed in an art nouveau film.

The discomfort led to one too many drinks, and now I am stuck recovering from excess. It helps to think about the kisses Matt and I shared. His experience showed as he explored my body. Nothing much occurred, yet it was enough. The sexless sex. And when we parted ways, he did not ask for a way to contact me. But you see, this did not matter. I will confess that when Patricia came to visit me from Southern California, we spent the day in Berkeley. There, when I least expected, I met someone that I have made up a name for, since my timidity prevented me from talking to him in depth. I call him Dresden.
It is impossible for me to feel any anxiety about whether Matt cares or does not, when there is someone who, stranger as he is, has made such an impact on me. The world is alive as I am. There is a beat to it, I can hear it. What can reach me at such a height? My co-workers dislike me. There is too much work, all which my supervisor seemingly reserves for me to do. My family continues to fall apart. All of this is insignificant, and could never stand up to what I feel for a man I may never see again.

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December 19th, Following the Unimportant Year

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