I want him. Out of boredom and necessity, I pursue him. The challenge is tempting. Jesse has an owner. It is theft I attempt. He is like the others, thrown on a pile of common. What sets him apart, is that he is dating my friend. The boy is an apple growing on a neighbor’s tree.
This friend of mine, she is the type to escape her reality through men, while I seek the feeling of reality through men. We search for different experiences, yet our eyes are fixed on the same man.
I am not good; this was never something I claimed. There are no official forms where I have marked such a lie. Gaining of approval would only weigh me down. It would be a heavy thing to carry around things like expectations. Perhaps, if the day arrives in which I feel like something I can call my own self, defined and well-formed, then I will make an attempt at being good. But now, the mind slips and takes me to unusual places. I can no longer remember what it is I wanted to become, but I am sure it is buried somewhere beyond reach.
My memories come to me in shapes and figures that form boys and men. Each layer of my dress seems to hide the yearning for a man, two, a thousand. If a man responds to my call, there I have identified a fool. I am poison. The junkies, whores, manic depressives, binge and purge girls, the sexually abused, they all know this, but no one listens to trash anymore. Those people know too much, and that is dangerous.
I eat them whole, the boys. Kevin bored me, as all things do. That was his mistake. He became an object, something to be played with, and then discarded. Johnny had a slight drop in his step. This gave his walk a comical affect, and I loathe to laugh. Joseph, he was different, and we all like to conquer new lands. He remains like a stain that is difficult to remove, even with time and patience. An embarrassing oversight. Rather than allow vulnerabilities to put me in harm’s way, I pursued a relationship with Charles only to end it as suddenly as it began. Gilbert and I were made for physical acts I was not prepared for. Lust is a dictator, and I obey no one. Erik wanted to tame me, but lions would rather die than lose their throne. No, Erik wanted to ruin me. He formally introduced me to drugs, and I can’t say I was pleased with its presence in my life. Methamphetamines ruin a person’s character quickly and thoroughly. Up the nose and through the soul in one forceful inhale. And while I was never addicted to the substance, I learned how to steal, cheat, and lie just to have it, and hide the fact that I was using it.
Omar was but a weak breeze on a Summer afternoon. It is by miracle that he is remembered at all. Mario was beautiful, but beauty fades, and he wears the proof of that already. But if I close my eyes, his emerald eyes exist there just as brilliantly as they did years ago, when we would hold hands and feel the heat rise in our hearts. He was taken away from me by his biological parents. I searched for him like an orphan refusing to believe her own parents are gone. Mario was my protection, and he had left me alone, to freeze in my futile search. Abraham was holy and false, like all holy things are. The truth is to be found through them, not because of them.
Herbert and Dennis were left behind in Southern California. I was their public joke, but private fantasy. It was then I knew the taste of humiliation. Chris wanted to take more than I was willing to give. Jeremy was used as a way for me to get close to every man he considered a friend, and so it is that I tasted the lips of their betrayal. Jarrod, Jeremy’s brother, lacked the courage to be seen with the strange girl publicly, as I lacked the courage to be seen with an idiot. Jonathan was a waste of time. Court was just as tedious as a day in court. Dave was bland, and I almost wondered if I didn’t imagine him completely. Jason was told he was the proud owner of my prized virginity, when in actuality it was given to Jonathan the year before. Tommy and Phil were dolts. Devin was sharp like broken glass, but I was careful to never show my wounds. Jeremy the Second was a false light. He caught my eye, and nearly blinded me. What would I have done with a limited view, more narrow that it is now, small like a grain of sand? Oscar says he loves me, that I was made for him, as if he gave up a rib to create me. Were it so, I have acquired my freedom. I do not share in that feeling that sustains him.
It is when I am displeased with my present that I look to the past. All the boys that were, are more appealing than the one that is. Love is not a game for children, it is a hunt for the hungry. We are all running toward someone who is running from us, while we run from someone else. This is done in circles, so rather quickly, our head is lost in the spin. And maybe that’s what I was looking for with Nicholas – to get lost. Instead, I was consumed by a desire I could not restrain. Anything we could have had died abruptly, like Daniel. The only person left to tie us together dissolved into the nothing. My friend. My sweet, lovely Daniel. He believed death was better than life, and I do not want to ask if it’s true. Sometimes I catch myself throwing out the question into the night, but I stop myself, although for how much longer, I do not know.